Juliet, and the Tortures She Brings
by DarkSlayer1
Summary: Daniel believed that the most evil creatures in the universe were the Goa’uld. Jack just proved him wrong.
1. Default Chapter

Title: Juliet

Rating: PG-13 for some language

Summary: Daniel believed that the most evil creatures in the universe were the Goa'uld. Jack just proved him wrong.

Author's Notes: I have worked HARD not to make Juliet a Mary-Sue, I have worked so hard at it I am relatively sure she's not, in fact I even put her to the Mary-Sue test and other authors saw her and say she is not, actually a Mary-Sue. Yea!!!!

General Jack O'Neill, Commanding Officer of the United States Air Force base known as Stargate Command, was a mother hen. This was through no fault of his own, but that of his three most beloved and trusted friends.

Lt. Colonel Samantha Carter, Teal'c, and most especially Dr. Daniel Jackson, were, with the possible exception of Sgt. Siler, the most accident-prone people on base.

With this in mind, General O'Neill decided to use some of the newly found power and control that came with being promoted to General.

He decided it was time for revenge.

Revenge for all the sleepless nights on base wondering if the team mate taking his or her turn in the infirmary was going to wake up. Revenge for all the searching of planets for missing friends, for all the rescuing, sacrificing, and most of all worrying that he had done as CO of SG-1.

He decided to do this by being the aforementioned mother hen that he was so well, and his first target was the cause of nearly all his gray hair and worrying (not to mention rescuing), Daniel.

Daniel had the bad habit of not eating unless you sat there and watched him, not sleeping, drinking way too much coffee, and most of all, working WAY too much.

Jack had found the cure for all of Daniel's ailments in a beautiful young woman named Juliet Chase.

Juliet was recently graduated from Yale with a Masters in archeology and linguistics, and spoke 20 languages fluently. She was in the awkward position of not knowing what to do with her life. Jack had the answer.

He smiled at the brunette woman in his office, "Soooooo, Ms. Chase, what do you think of the SGC so far?...pretty cool huh?"

She laughed, "OH, Yeah...Sir. This is amazing, and you say that the Dr. Jackson that I'll be working for, is who figured out the Stargate?"

"Yup, that's our Daniel, busy little beaver...which brings me to your job. See Daniel's kinda a workaholic. Nothing he likes to do more, he loves those rocks-er-artifacts. But since we are pretty much swamped with lost cities, unknown languages and evil pots,"

Her face took on a confused look.

"Don't ask. Anyways with all that stuff, plus him being a workaholic he doesn't really have time for all that meaningless stuff like eating or sleeping. Which is where you come in."

"I get it, lighten the workload." She said

"Plus get him to not kill himself saving the world, one translation at a time." At her nod he continued "here's what I want you to do..."

PLEASE REVIEW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


	2. Organization and Handcuffs

AN: Thanks for the reviews, they really motivate me, however I have ROTC which may make updates come on a weekly basis. Please review and give me some pointers. No Flames please!!!

Daniel was gonna kill Jack.

Jack had done a lot in their friendship to make him want to commit homicide, but this was the first time Daniel had gone so far as to plan where to stash the body.

This was all because, for some reason Daniel couldn't fathom, Jack had released the most evil creature ever encountered by mankind upon the unsuspecting archeologist.

Juliet.

The maniacal she-beast currently reorganizing his bookshelf.

At first, he had held the same impression of his new research assistant that everyone else had. She had seemed like a sweet, intelligent, and an all-together great person. When she greeted him in an ancient Egyptian dialect, he had thought that it was the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

Then her pleasant demeanor had peeled back to show her true self.

She was a spy amongst the scientists, and who did she answer to?

His best friend.

She was a plant, a mole, a Mata Hari introduced into the ranks of archeologists for the sole purpose of disturbing his journey into the realm of historical discoveries.

She had only been here a day and she had already disrupted his office, his schedule AND most importantly, his caffeine intake.

She had already gone through almost all of his notes that had been scattered strategically around the room, and had put post-it notes on them, as well as stacked them in neat piles, on the floor, looking as if they were in the midst of the organizational process.

She was currently pulling off every book on his shelves, fondling every one of his sacred tomes and putting them back in a completely different order after dusting them.

Did she not know what she was doing to his allergies?

He was blowing his nose for the 14th time when a beeping sounded from her corner of the office.

Juliet spun on her precariously tall pumps after looking at her watch, grinning. "Time for lunch!"

"What?"

"Lunch, almuerzo, pranzo, déjeuner, gabelfruhstuck? Ringing a bell? It's that meal you eat about half-way through the day?"

"I know what lunch is," He grumbled "I don't think I'll be joining you."

"Not an option." She still had that annoying grin on her face.

"Pardon?"

"You didn't eat breakfast according to the commissary staff, and you haven't left the mountain in 2 days so don't bother telling me you ate at home. Coffee is not food, we are going to eat."

Was she spying on him?

"You can't just order me around." He said shocked at her audacity.

"According to General O'Neill I can."

"Yeah well Jack needs to learn a thing or two about limits."

"Look, your friends just want you to be okay."

"This isn't 'wanting me to be okay' this is hiring a woman to baby-sit me! This is ridiculous! I don't need you organizing MY books, or translating MY artifacts, or telling me when to eat!"

"Don't pout, its not becoming for a grown man if, in fact, that's what you are."

"Excuse me!?"

"When I got here this morning everyone from the Worf-wannabe who showed me to General O'Neill's office to the nurses in the infirmary said you were the nicest, sweetest, gentlest, bravest man on Earth. But ya know what? I think you're just a self-pitying child who can't take care of himself. Or is it that you just don't care what happens to you? Are you just so pitiful you don't want to take care of your self? I mean come on now, you just had a TANTRUM!"

"You can't talk to me that way, and you can't tell me what to do!" He shouted, losing all that was left of his composure. "I am NOT going to eat! I have work to do!"

"It sat on some planet for a couple hundred years, it can wait for a lunch break. Besides, if you don't come on your own free will, I will DRAG you down there, and STUFF the food down your throat."

"You wouldn't dare."

Within moments she had spun around, pulled something from her purse and slapped something metallic on his wrist.

Handcuffs.

They were wearing handcuffs.

She was nuts.

"I just did."

Daniel was gonna kill Jack.


	3. Revenge for Evelyn the Coffee Girl

AN: THANK YOU!!!! I love the reviews!!!! You guys are motivating me so much! In fact the only reason I didn't update sooner was that NJROTC kept me out so late this week.

There were many embarrassing moments in Daniel's life. The half dozen times he had died came to mind, as well as all the alien princesses that seemed to ALWAYS find him.

Somehow, this trounced all of that.

Juliet had dragged him—yes, dragged—down the many hallways to the commissary with strength she disguised very well. He had fought, no question there, but somehow she managed to keep her balance, even on her pair of what he had named the 'super-high heels of death'.

She filled a plate—he didn't want—with an obscene amount of food—he didn't want that either—and was patiently watching him choke down the vittles she had oh so pleasantly threatened to shove down his unwilling throat.

He really hated her.

He hated her not just for forcing him to eat, or even for dragging him down there.

It was the handcuffs.

He was being held captive by a merciless ice queen with the personality of a jar of mayonnaise. In full view of EVERYONE, they were connected by the most ridiculed tool of both the criminal justice system and bondage nuts everywhere. The marines looked like they were gonna bust a gut, the nurses were giggling—did they always have to travel in packs? —And worst of all one of his best friends had abandoned him.

Teal'c was a traitor. Not only to Daniel, but also to the entire male gender.

He had done the little lip twitch thing that said he found this amusing as hell and was internally laughing his ass off, then turned and left.

Daniel had even seen a suspiciously perky blonde head grab blue jello and bust a to-the-rear out the door.

He was alone with the enemy and there were no reinforcements to be seen.

"See, occasionally getting food in you IS a good thing." Juliet said with a disgusting amount of arrogance.

"You haven't proved anything with this except that you are a…"

"Say it." She sneered.

"A…a…" Well shit. He could never say anything cruel to a woman who wasn't Hathor.

"What? To good? To nice to come down to my level?"

What the hell was wrong with this woman? Why was she doing this?

"I was always taught not to insult a woman."

"Funny, you didn't act like a little gentleman back in your office." She said with a pompous grin and rattled the handcuffs.

He snatched his metallic restraints and looked around frantically for anyone who might have misconstrued that statement. "Have you lost your mind?"

"Well there are a few who question my sanity, but I am pretty sure it's firmly in place."

"Why are you doing this to me?" He whined plaintively

"Its fun."

"What? Humiliating me in front of my friends and co-workers? Making me do things I don't want to do?"

"Taking you down a peg or two." She said with her Cheshire grin that her pretty face change drastically into a conniving one. "And exactly how many of these people would you consider friends? How many of them do you know?"

"Um…"

"That's what I thought. Want to know why that is?"

Of course he did. He wanted to know everything and the damned frustrating woman knew that.

"You work too hard."

How the howling hell did that figure?

"You lock yourself in that damn office and sit there all day long making discoveries. Which, sure, is all great and all but lets face it if you didn't have to go through the gate with them every other day you wouldn't know SG-1 either. Eight years and you barely know the names of half the people on your staff."

Oh great she was just getting started.

"I bet if I didn't annoy you to all hell you wouldn't know my name either. You know the names of every person to so much as step into Egypt and half a bazillion other places but you don't know the name of the girl who brought you coffee everyday for the last eight years—well seven I guess since she couldn't exactly bring it to you at a higher plane. Do you know she broke into tears when she told me that she caught herself going to your office with coffee even after you bit the big one? Do you know what her name is?"

At his blank look she just shook her head.

"Nicest guy in the world they said. Her name is Evelyn. She is 34 years old with red hair and blue eyes and she just so happens to think you are the most brilliant mind in the universe. Well guess what buckeroo, I'M bringing you your coffee now—although in smaller doses—I'M doing your filing, I'LL help with translations and there's not a chance in hell that your gonna forget the name Juliet Chase."

The last sentence was shouted and caused an uproar of applause in the commissary of a kind that had not been heard since Feretti's outstanding impersonation of Jack telling off Sen. Kinsey when the film crew was there.

Daniel was stunned. No one had ever talked to the archeologist that way. It was not a good feeling to be wrong, he got that now.

She could NOT know that he knew that she was right. That was just NOT an option.

He just glared at her.

She glared right back.

"We have work to do." They said in unison.

What they didn't know was just how long work would go undone.

The war had begun.

AN: What do you think? Please review. Oh! My Beta-reader just said that you guys might not know what a 'To-The-Rear' is… it's an American military drill movement that turns a single person or entire platoon in the opposite direction. To rush out of a room or turn around immediately is called 'Busting a To-The-Rear', see what NJROTC teaches you? Thanks for reading!


	4. The 'Prada Incident'

AN: In my story Janet never died. I don't think her death ever served any purpose except making all her fans feel like utter crap, so in my story he is alive and kicking. Please keep reviewing, it makes me want to update when I see people are still reading.

They called it the war of level 18.

No one could quite pin down the exact moment that things had elevated to all out war fare, but level 18 was a combat zone.

Mearly 2 months before, Dr. Jackson's office was know as a sanctuary for silent scholarly work, only disturbed by attacks by the occasional Goa'uld or bored Jack O'Neill.

It was silent no longer.

Within several yards of the source of most of the Earth's most critical, historical discoveries of the last 100 years, you could hear the shouting. Most of the time however it wasn't so much shouting as an ear shattering screeching and screaming that penetrated even the most sound proof parts of the base.

There was name-calling, insults, pranks of the most vicious kind, and occasionally in VERY extreme cases, attempted acts of physical violence.

There was now a permanent posting of marines on the once military-less level of science and research. They were called upon if ever there was a repeat of the 'Prada Incident', as it was known around the base.

The 'Prada Incident' was in all actuality the fault of various parties on base, but had in the investigation that followed, divided the base's occupants into two opposing sides with each group blaming the other.

Juliet, as a civilian who did not go off-world, was not required to wear a uniform of any kind. Because of this she wore a wide variety of office apparel, in brand names that were up to her level of style.

This meant Versace, Ralph Lauren, Ann Taylor, Gucci, and her personal favorite—Prada.

Daniel, or 'Dr.J' as Juliet called him, in his desperate attempt to keep up his normal caffeine levels in his blood stream, since Juliet had cut him off from most other sources of the blessed stimulant, had imported chocolate. From Belgium.

This meant that his top desk drawer was a no-touch zone.

In the days that followed those that sided with Dr. J would say that 'Miss Juliet', as the marines called her, had initiated the conflict with her trespass. Those that sided with Miss Juliet would counter with the fact that Dr. J had blatantly crossed the line with his counter-attack.

After Daniel discovered that Juliet had 'confiscated' his chocolate ambrosia he was filled with a fury he hadn't felt in a very long time.

Juliet was only 5'2" and with his—decaf of all things—coffee being at about waist level the scalding amber liquid didn't have far to travel to destroy her most precious of shoes.

Her three inch Prada Pumps with the limited edition canary yellow sequin in the center.

They were permanently stained with no hope for resurrection from their untimely demise.

She then proceeded to attempt to choke the life from him.

A passerby called for security and the proper authorities were called in. Namely Jack who found the whole situation hilarious.

The Female population of the SGC however, did not. The affront to the Pradas was taken quite seriously by the ladies of the base including Sam Carter who decided then and there that she and Juliet Chase were gonna be best buddies. Sam did not speak with Daniel for two weeks.

Things hadn't escalated to quite that level of violence since, but still.

There was a tension.

And on level 18 there was an audible hostility.

It was this kind of evidence that made Daniel wonder, did no one else see what an evil person she really was?

No, everyone else thought that Juliet was just an angel. The marines adored her, Teal'c ate breakfast with her every day and sparred with her before she started to work each day, Sam and Janet went shopping with her and she and Jack could be found laughing about the previous nights 'Simpsons'.

How did they not see?

"I hate my life." Daniel groned

"I hate your life too." Juliet said perkily as she walked in, then paused "wait, don't you actually need a life in the first place to hate it?"

"You're late, oh bane of my existence, why is that?" Daniel said glancing at the wall clock then grabbing one of the steaming Styrofoam cups out of her hand.

"First of all, if your gonna insult me, you shouldn't call me something that I'd be proud of. Second, I was talking with Sam, seems they found a planet and sent a MALP through." She took a sip from her own cup "Looks like there is a temple or some other kind of place with loads of stuff that's gonna end up as paperwork on my desk."

"Did she say whether or not SG-1 is taking this one?"

"Uh Duh?" She looked incredulously up from a file she was reading at her desk "Why else would she have brought it up? To make me green with envy over all the cataloguing that Carl is going to do? Of course SG-1 is taking it."

Carl was of course Lieutenant Carl Bishop, the young man in charge of labeling and cataloguing all the artifacts that SG-11 brought back before they got to Daniel and Juliet.

"Which of course means that you will go off into the wild blue yonder, have some grand adventure and leave me behind to file and translate."

Daniel sighed, here came what he had named 'The Subject'. The Subject was Juliet's biggest peeve, the fact that Daniel always left her behind when he went through the 'gate, even when there was no danger.

The Subject was the cause of most of their biggest fights lately, and her bringing it up this early in the day only meant that what had started as a pleasant morning (for them) was not going to be a good day.

"Look, you've never had any 'gate experience and if you're this lovely tempered when you are perfectly healthy, I'd hate to have to deal with you when you're injured."

Or deal with her more than he was already required to.

"How, pray tell, am I supposed to GET 'gate experience if I can't actually go through the 'gate?" Her lips were a thin line and she spoke with gritted teeth.

"Jack doesn't want anyone out there without the proper training."

"That's funny cause I already talked to the general and HE said that it was fine with him as long as there was no immediate danger. But you," she said fairly radiating anger now "just don't want to share the spotlight!"

"That," He spun "is crap! I don't care about any spotlight, YOU on the other hand are just desperate for attention!"

She rose from her chair so fast is spun backwards and crashed into the wall. " Desperately bored is more like it! You coop me up in here and make me file like I'm some goddamn secretary! I am an archeologist! I may not be a Ph.D. but I am sure as hell not some grad student with too much time on her hands! I know the FIELD not just an OFFICE! And if it kills me I am going out there!"

"It probably WILL kill you! You have no idea what you're doing! You have no idea how dangerous it is out there! You are an idiot if you think we just go out there and prance around the galaxy looking for artifacts!"

"I don't think the guy auditioning for the resurrection scene of 'Passion of the Christ' really has room to talk about doing stupid things that could kill you!"

She knew that remark about his many deaths would piss him off.

"Screw you." He growled.

"You wish." She hissed.

"Manipulative Ice Queen." He was now only feet from her.

"Self-pitying Child" Her hands were on her hips.

"Whiny Valley Girl!" He was looking down at her tiny form, only inches from his own much larger one and shouting.

"Pathetic Excuse for a Grown Man!" Her chin rose defiantly as did her voice.

"Self-absorbed Airhead!" He was practically screaming now.

"Ass-whole!" She screeched right back.

"Bit—ca" He faltered.

"Say it." She sneered.

"You are a manipulative two-timing _bitch_." He said very carefully and deliberately.

She hissed. "I. Quit." And she turned on her ridiculously high-heeled shoes.

When she left he collapsed in his chair and waited for round two.

…

She would walk back in any minute now.

…

What the hell?

He looked over at her desk.

Oh _Shit._

She took her purse.

He raced out the door so fast that the chair spun for full two minutes after he left.

He had to stop her.


	5. The Spoils of War

Thank you for all the kind reviews. Although I appreciate constructive criticism I must ask you not to Flame. It dosent help anyone. The more you review the more I update!

Jack still wasn't sure whether she did it just to bait him, see what he really felt, or if she really wanted to leave.

Whatever the reason, Jack wasn't going to EVER say yes to one of her requests of resignation, no matter how many times they went through this.

And they went through this A LOT.

The fact was that even though they hated each other they served a multitude of purposes.

The first was of course the entertainment and morale of the base. There was always some kind of wager going on regarding the two combatants. These bets sometimes ranged from when Juliet would break down and kill Daniel to when they would start having sex.

That last one was of course started by the nursing staff and fueled by Feretti.

As were most of the more racy rumors about the rivals, but whatever.

The second was the purpose they gave the marines and SFs. Jack had been having trouble keeping the marines and SFs busy between missions or attacks on the base. This meant that they entertained themselves.

That was NEVER good.

The war of level 18 however, gave them both entertainment and the ongoing mission of making sure the odd couple upstairs didn't kill each other.

The last reason was the real reason Jack had hired Juliet.

Daniel's health.

It was actually improving, the workload was half as bad, Daniel didn't stay till four in the morning translating anymore and he actually ate like a normal person.

Janet called Juliet the 'best medicine ever found'.

Jack had to agree, even if Daniel didn't.

Unfortunately this meant that the new general had to appease the boiling volcano of death sitting across from him impatiently tapping her disgustingly expensive pump.

"Sooo, Juliet, how's it going up in the world of runes and rocks?"

"How's it going?! How's it going?! He's an arrogant ass-whole with the maturity of a five-year-old! I Quit! I meant it this time!"

"Not so good huh?'

"I can't handle him anymore!"

"I'm sure we can work this out. What can I do to fix this?" He said giving her his most charming smile.

"There's nothing I wan—wait a second…" she grinned suddenly.

"There _is _one thing."

Daniel raced down the halls narrowly avoiding collisions with others with an ease that came from years of practice.

Finally on level 28 he dodged Walter and threw open Jack's office door.

"Juliet! Look I—what the?!"

She-that-he-hated-more-than-anything was perched upon the corner of the general's desk, long legs crossed at the ankles, grinning that annoying Cheshire grin of hers.

"You were off by 30 seconds General, you owe me twenty bucks."

"What the hell is going on?" Daniel asked

"Juliet's decided to stay with us a while longer."

"On one condition," she said giving Daniel the most gloating cat-ate-the-canary look he had ever seen.

"What condition?" He asked, sure that he didn't want to know.

"I get to go through the Stargate."

That bitch.


	6. Blonde Double Agents

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AN: Thank you for all the great reviews and sorry I took so long to update. I have had one drama after another in the past 2 weeks, most of it was in ROTC between working really hard for a competition (we got first place!!!!) and the fact that I am a staff member of my unit doesn't when I get a REALLY bad case of the flu and cant come to school. That means that my stupid (yet incredibly gorgeous) Operations officer and Command Master Chief think that I'm bailing on them. 

Grrr.

But on the bright side I just got the extended edition of The Return of the King and I am indulging in my geekyness by watching every damn second of every extended scene and every special feature.

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What made everyone panic was the three days of silence. 

The entire base was quiet and Sam had two theories as to the cause.

The first was the more practical theory, the one she would publish if she had to make a report on the subject. Compared to the level of disruption and chaos that everyone was accustomed to after the arrival of Juliet the relative quiet since they had stopped speaking seemed monumental.

The second was a far more psychological approach and in Sam's opinion, the more accurate of theories.

Everyone thought that this was the calm before the storm.

The entire base was walking on eggshells because for some unknown (to anyone outside SG-1) reason the two warriors of level 18 had become mysteriously silent. The SGC had after all experienced its own share of Earth-shattering crisis's and had learned from experience that there was usually a calm before the world came crashing down around them. Something as volatile as Daniel and Juliet's relationship was to be feared, however, the base had pretty much learned the cycle of violence that the two scholars practiced and had actually learned how to work with it.

It was this sudden absence of the threats and curses ringing through the air that had been endured and even become the norm, which caused the base to go on a silent alarm.

Even the nurses, who flourished in conspiracy and intrigue as if it were their natural habitat wouldn't speak of the situation in the Archeology, Languages and Cultures department.

But behind closed doors and in secret whispered meetings of the Sciences and Technology department there were questions being asked about the new behavior of the SGC's favorite rumor fuel.

Questions that Lt. Colonel Sam Carter knew the answer to.

The problem with being friends with both Daniel Jackson and Juliet Chase was that you were constantly in the middle of their never-ending feud.

This time was no exception.

The problem that was really causing the unnerving quiet was that Daniel was refusing to admit he was wrong and Juliet was being a total bitch about it.

Now you have to understand, Juliet wasn't by any means a mean woman. Quite the contrary, however she was a _little_ spoiled, and maybe a _little _controlling of Daniel, and okay, if she was being absolutely honest with herself Sam had to admit that her new friend _could_—on occasion—be a vindictive bitch if she really wanted to.

Then there was Daniel. THE sweetest man Sam had ever met. He was kind and brave and stood up for what was right. But he was also stubborn, and not being accustomed to being wrong—because lets face it was he ever?—he didn't like to admit to being wrong.

Mixing substances was one thing that the scientist knew a lot about and Daniel and Juliet—they were just not a good mix.

Admittedly Juliet had been very underhanded when handling the whole going off-world thing, but still if Sam was in command and there was no chance of danger why was Daniel being so stubborn?

Deciding that the need for peace on a mission the she was indeed commanding, Sam decided to take a page out of Daniel's book and take the diplomatic approach.

Daniel had been her friend for a long time, so she talked to him about the situation first.

"She's gonna get killed."

"Come on Daniel, Teal'c has been training her and even the General seems to think it's a good idea." Sam argued.

"Yeah, cause Jack's a GREAT judge of this situation." Daniel said sarcastically.

"Daniel!" She admonished

The archeologist sighed and sat down at his desk. " I know, that was mean, I'm sorry, its just…this whole thing with Juliet has me on edge and… I don't know it just feels like Jack abandoned us." He glanced at Juliet's desk "and left us with a time bomb."

Sam smiled reassuredly "Daniel, the General didn't abandon us, we all new it would happen one day." She put a hand on his shoulder, "I know its hard not having him around as much—he's your best friend, but maybe, that's what Juliet's about."

"Pardon?" Daniel asked incredulously "what, is Jack trying to leave me with some one equally annoying?"

Laughing, Sam replied "No, but close. I think he is worried cause he can't do all the things he used to that he felt were good for you—I am not going to get into the 'whether they are good or not' argument—but things like making you eat at certain times, or making you leave the base at night and even annoying the crap out of you are things he can't do as much. Juliet is his way of taking care of you from his desk job."

Daniel shook his head in wonderment only Jack O'Neill would sic Juliet Chase on anyone out of friendship. "Why couldn't he have found someone less Sister-of-Satan-ish?"

Sam giggled "hey," she whacked his arm "that's my friend you're talking about!"

"Ugh, I know."

"Give her a chance on this mission, don't make it too much of a burden on your good ole' C.O. huh?"

"I'll…think about it."

"I'm not asking for anything more."

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The more you review the more I update!!!! 


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